The Problem With Coping

Ecclesiastes 1:2-6

“Meaningless! "Meaningless!” says the Teacher. “Utterly meaningless! Everything is meaningless.” What do people gain from all their labors at which they toil under the sun?  ^{Generations come and generations go, but the earth remains the same.} The sun rises and the sun sets, and hurries back to where it rises. The wind blows to the south and turns to the north; round and round it goes, ever returning on its course. 

So, I finally discovered that I could download a blogger app on my phone, but unfortunately, my phone is dying, so I'll keep this short. Also, please excuse grammar/ spelling issues that may come up (damn auto correct!). 

Ecclesiastes is my favorite book of the bible for several reasons, but one reason is: when ever I am going through something hard, I will turn to it. I find encouragement in someone else vocalizing my fears, doubts, thoughts and feelings; especially in seasons like the one I currently find myself. 

All polygamy aside, I find that I have a lot in common with King Solomon (yes, he also wrote both ecclesiastes and S.O.S), I probably struggle with the same sins that he struggled with, but mostly we both frequently ask the question, "why?" and "what's the point?" In search for answers, we both turn to idols and all things that bring momentary pleasure; The world as we know it today calls this "Coping Mechanisms." I understand that people believe that there is bad and healthy ways of coping, however as a christian I understand coping as a way of relying on an activity to relieve anxiety rather than calling on God, thus an idol. 

A couple of weeks ago, I hit a breaking point. I became emotionally shut down; I chose this. I didn't want reality and I didn't want to talk to anyone about it, least of all, God. 

Coping for me = idolatry, sex, weed, putting my efforts into things I do well, or anything that will distract me from reality. 

I am now going to call "coping, "death."

You aren't living when you are coping. All emotion is dead, so you are left with nothing. Neither pain nor pleasure can penetrate your cold, stone heart. You are in essence, a zombie. Dead but breathing; You feed on momentary pleasure, nothing satisfying your lust to feel something worth feeling.

I am very lucky that I had church obligations. If it weren't for that, I wouldn't have listened to my pastor who points to Jesus or run into my friends who also point to Jesus. Christianity truly is about relationship in community. Thank you for being in my community. And most of all, thank you for pointing to Jesus!

Only God can fill the void. Only God can break your heart of stone and make it flesh. Only God can bring you true joy.

Time to repent.

Love is:

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, and it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres. 

Love never fails. 

Have you ever been hurt so badly by someone that you found it difficult to move past the hurt and forgive? What if they hurt you in a way that made you question every other relationship that you had in your life? I think life becomes a little more confusing. These are the questions I’ve been plagued with for the last couple weeks.  What is the difference between a real friendship and a project friendship? Are friendships REALLY supposed to be easy or are they never meant to last? Am I really such a burden that I’m not a joy to be around just for the sake of being around? Am I being a loving friend or a selfish friend? What is wrong with me?

A couple weeks ago I had a fight with someone that I considered my best friend. I’ve come to realize that she really only saw me as a ministry opportunity all these years, that I am physically, emotionally, and mentally draining, so she really doesn’t take joy in being around me unless we’re doing something “productive.” While I did see some great points she made about some things I need to work on, this has left me questioning every aspect of every relationship in my life right now. Not only this, but I am very hurt to think that I invested my emotions in an illusionary friendship that lasted nearly eight years. If our friendship wasn’t real, then what is REAL?

I've always had the idea that all friendships, regardless of the dynamic, should be the reflection of how we should love God and the church.  I find it difficult how anyone can have a healthy friendship otherwise. When we love our church, we give. We don’t care what we get in return; we just give. We give our time, talent, and treasure. While it’s nice when your church gives back or shows that they appreciate what you give, you don’t necessarily care either way because you love it. People in the body may hurt you or may not necessarily share in your affection, but you continue to love it because God loves his church. Ideally, this is what a friendship is supposed to look like.

So, I guess in retrospect our friendship is real. I will just need to continue to love her like I love the church. Hopefully, one day she will share in my affection for her regardless of the ways she has hurt me in the past. I will also do my best to move past the hurt and my own selfish desires for her to feel the same as I do.

Forgetting to live in community

Community

Eeek… what a big word…

I pondered quite a while trying to figure out a proper metaphor for living in community. Finally, I gave up as everything that I came up with related to the shower (I was in the shower thinking about what to write in this blog entry.) To tell you the truth, I think that the reality that I need to be living in community was lost to me after I left college. I got so caught up in my every day struggles that I conveniently forgot that I NEED community. Recently, my life slowed down significantly and I started to ask myself the question, “where did all my friends go?” I forgot what it was like to just BE with people, and not just because I need their help with my many crises.

This week, I had the opportunity to hang out with a few people whom I am just starting to get to know, around a bonfire, drink some cold beer, and pull out an old guitar and sing every song that we knew from the 90s just because it was a fun thing to do. In the moment, there were no worries about bills being due, what we were dealing with at work, or our other miscellaneous duties during the week; we were living in the moment. It is absolutely ridiculous that we get so busy in our lives that we forget to actually LIVE. Furthermore, we forget what it is like being with people just for the sake of enjoying their presence. After this fun bonfire, the host of the bonfire asked me later in the week if I had fun, and suggested that we do something similar in the future. (Ummm… HECK YES!) I started thinking later that perhaps the reason for this future invitation is because we just enjoyed each other’s presence.

For a while now, I’ve been asking God what it would be like to approach him just to BE with him for the sake of enjoying his presence. Too often, I just approach God in my need taking no notice of my need to live in community with him. I think that this bonfire experience is exactly the example of how we are to live in community with God. It’s so simple. Live in community with God. Ask what is on God’s mind rather than blurting out everything you are feeling because of your crises. Sing to or rather serenade God just because it’s a fun thing to do. Goof off! It’s okay to be silly with God!

Often, I have heard it said both by people and the bible that God delights in his children. Have you ever considered what you enjoy about children? Being a Nanny, I am around a child all day long. One thing that warms my heart is how something that can seem soooooo small to an adult is such a big deal to a child. Many times I have watched Noah play with his toys while he was playing. All I can do is smile because with every moment he is learning how to do things. Suddenly, Noah takes notice to my watching his every move and gently smiling at him. EVERY time, this event is met with excitement; he goes NUTS! His arms flail, his feet pound the carpet, and he lets out a shriek of joy (not unlike a monkey… ha-ha). Naturally, my response is to laugh and play along. In short, I take joy in him enjoying my presence.

So I guess my point is… it’s time to act like a kid again!  GO NUTS!

gird up your loins

"And thus shall ye eat it; with your loins girded, your shoes on your feet, and your staff in your hand; and ye shall eat it in haste: it is the LORD's passover."

-Exodus 12:11

I have a very busy schedule. My typical week day looks like this: I wake up at 5:30am to rush out the door to catch the bus at exactly 6:09, get to work by 7:15, get off work at approximately 4pm and depending on the night, my head might not hit the pillow until 10:30 or 11 at night. I look forward to Saturday. Saturday means sleeping until my body can no longer stand it and running errands I couldn't get to during the week. Although, more often than not I don't even get the chance to do even this. A typical weekend is filled with serving my church (which I don't really complain about because I love it). 

To say that I was annoyed at waking up at 4:30 in the morning on a Saturday with thoughts buzzing through my head would be an understatement. I can always tell when a change is immanent, it's almost as though the very air reeks of it. I don't react well to change whether good or bad. My heart pounds a little faster, my jaw clenches, my hands ball up into fists, and I lose my appetite. Worst of all, Restless nights overtake me with often vivid and disturbing images depicting my fears and almost predicting the troublesome season to come.

My life has taken some great strides in the last few months. I am no longer homeless, have an amazing job taking care of an even more amazing baby, I am taking spiritual ground back, I am healing emotionally from past injustices, and finally for the first time in many years have felt the peace that comes with growing closer to God. Recently, I decided to do an internship at my church for production, starting in the fall, regardless of the time commitment, setting aside my fear of losing my job because of loss of time flexibility... but that won't be for another 4 months, so I can cross that bridge when the time comes.

So, what else is there to do at 4:30 in the morning but to take a long walk and watch the sun rise? I mulled over in my mind about things to come and confessing to God my fears when I hear him gently speak to me. "Do you trust me?" I groaned out loud, "What the hell does that mean, God?!" to which he replied,"Gird up your loins."

O boy... This conversation was both convicting and nerve wracking. I searched the bible for every instance that God says "gird up your loins." Each and every time it is to prepare for something; to prepare for battle, famine, plague, or before you take on a new title. Over the last few days I've torn up the inside my lip wondering what this next season is going to bring. As I read each passage I realize that God never once doesn't know what is going to come, he knows the outcome of the battle and it is victory. So really as I sit here preparing for battle what I should be preparing for is victory. Even if I end up broke and on the streets again, I should know by now that God's got this.

Ode to Mommy

I know this is a little late seeing as Mother's day was Sunday. A friend of mine posted a comment on Facebook about her mom being a bad parent, blaming her for how everything turned out; this bothered me. While I operated under this paradigm for a long time, as I get older, I realize that I'm responsible for my own actions and what I do with the situations that are placed in front of me. I honestly don't think there is such a thing as a bad parent (aside from those who abandon and abuse).

It is my experience that parents do the best with the circumstances they are given. Whether it's a teen mom, single mom, divorced mom, or a married mom they all have the desire to do what is best for their children. Mother's will risk their own lives for the sake of protecting their children. When her children are in need she will do all she can to make sure that need is met (in some cases this might mean giving them up for adoption).

I love my mom but life as a kid was hard. For a long time I did not respect my mom at all. I couldn't see how she would let a man continue beating her for years and not just leave the douche bag. I would watch helplessly as she went into mental breakdowns and angry outbursts. I thought she was weak; I was wrong.

What I perceived as weakness was really strength. While I didn't know or recognize it at the time, my mom held onto hope for the things that seemed hopeless. Where anyone else might have given up, she held on. This is the greatest lesson that I think my mom has ever taught me.

All my life, my mom would tell me to not be like her, and I went so far as telling myself that there was NO WAY that I was going to be like my mom. While I agree that there are some things not worth repeating and yes, you should strive for better... I argue now, why not be like my mom? I have come to realize how beautiful my mom's heart truly is.

While her circumstances say otherwise she hopes and trusts that things will work out for the better. Even when she is in a manically depressed state she finds a reason to keep pushing forward. She loves even those who may not even deserve it without holding back. While she has every reason to never trust again, she puts her heart on the line in hopes that it'll be worth it in the end.

I want to be like that.

Fear: The False Gospel

^"I am astonished that you are so quickly deserting the one who called you to live in the grace of Christ and are turning to a different gospel —which is really no gospel at all. Evidently some people are throwing you into confusion and are trying to pervert the gospel of Christ. But even if we or an angel from heaven should preach a gospel other than the one we preached to you, let them be under God’s curse! As we have already said, so now I say again: If anybody is preaching to you a gospel other than what you accepted, let them be under God’s curse! ." ~ Galatians 1:6-9 (NIV)

"Gnostic- Of, relating to, or possessing intellectual or spiritual knowledge." (http://www.thefreedictionary.com/Gnostic)

Before I get to my point, here's a little history lesson:

Gnosticism started as a philosophy by an early "Christian" philosopher by the name of Marcion of Sinope, who claimed to be a student of Justin Martyr. However, Iraneaus, who was one Justin's closest disciples, denies his credibility (in an apologetic letter, no less...), given the fact that the only times he was around Justin, he was argumentative and more often than not taking Justin's words out of context. (early christian thinkers- Paul Foster) Marcion created the heretical philosophy of Gnosticism, named such because he believed that he was enlightened to the ultimate truth of God. 

Gnostics continue to believe that the flesh is so evil that even Christ's death wasn't sufficient. While they believe that Jesus was the son of God (among other things), they basically believe that Jesus was a wise leader that died as an example and not of saving grace. They take the words of Jesus in Matthew 5:20 quite literally, "And if your right hand causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell." (I met a guy a couple years ago who actually gouged his eye out...)They believe that your soul is trapped in this evil body. In order to connect to God, you must punish the flesh in meditation to get in tune with your soul so that you might become enlightened of the spiritual realm and have certain powers (such as the miracles that Jesus was able to perform). They have a lot other interesting (heretical) theological beliefs, but to stay on topic we'll just focus on the flesh VS. spirit.

Gnostics are always on the front lines during a disaster claiming that God is punishing us for our evil flesh and its desires. During the Black Plague (14th century), they would parade through towns flogging themselves crying out to God to forgive the flesh and to release humanity of the grotesque epidemic. (history channel...http://www.history.com/topics/black-death yes, I'm a nerd) Nowadays, More often than not, they are the ones on the street corners holding signs saying "the end is near," picketing funerals (a good example is westbro "baptist"), and harassing disaster victims. 

I would not only like to submit that this theology is rooted in fear but that Fear itself is the false Gospel that even I have bought into. 


The Gospel of fear is not dissimilar to Gnosticism. How many times have I thought to myself, "I'm too wretched to be forgiven"? Then out of fear I begin to try to buy grace with works. I mutilate myself, maybe not in a way that is visible, but leaves scars nonetheless. The worst part is when I buy into this "gospel" I am refusing the gift of grace and saying it is not good enough.


My biggest struggle right now is with pornography and masturbation. It all started when I was accidentally exposed to it as a little girl.  I don't think my mom was even aware of how big of an issue this has been for me. I have always seen this as one of the ultimate sins a person can ever commit. Rather than face the issue and get the help I needed, I would commit the act then suffer in silent because I felt so dirty. For 2 years after I became a christian I was "free" from this struggle, I think this was because the first couple years of my Christianity was the climax of my faith or rather my hypocrisy. 


While I was not practicing porn or masturbation at the time, thoughts still remained. I would argue now, that I had yet to understand the grace God had granted me for who I once was.  At that time I went so far as to look down on other people struggling with something that I had "freedom" in. I even believed that I was better than them because I didn't need God to stop, I did it on my own and they were weak because they were still struggling. I could only hold this facade for so long before I realized that I wasn't loving people well. That I am a hypocrite. 


For the last few years, I have suffered alone ultimately believing that I deserved what ever I had coming to me; Even God's grace wasn't enough for me. I told 2 people about my struggle before a couple months ago, without any follow through to have victory. After each confession, I claimed to have victory over this issue; I still believed that I could go it alone. In time I started to justify this action. That,"God wants me to feel good," or "I might not be able to control what's going on around me, but I can definitely control this feeling." This was all definitely rooted in the fear that God was not going to fulfill his promises.


I am astonished that it takes so much for me to learn how much bigger God is than all my petty issues. That we are not meant to be alone. We are broken reflections of God whom lives in eternity in community (the trinity). Even Paul, whom I consider one of the wisest men of the bible, surrounded himself in community to be sure he was walking the straight and narrow. He talks about this in Galatians, that even Barnabas fell because he wasn't living in community. 


So what is my solution to this problem I am struggling with? Living in community. I came to the decision that I am tired of trying to do it alone. I started by confessing to my community group leader a couple months ago  about what I am struggling with, and now I am actually walking with a girl who has struggled with the same issue. I have found that with time this issue has become easier to talk about. While I am definitely not completely victorious yet, I am starting to understand this concept of leaning entirely on God. I am so thankful to have people in my life who are pointing me to the real gospel, which is Jesus's death and resurrection covers even me, the most wretched of the wretched.

God's Glory

I’m not sure how up to speed on what is going on in my life lately, but I have somewhat of an idea of what to write this time. About 3 months ago I got a job as nanny and am currently living in Ballard, WA. It has been an interesting transition for me. This is the first time in my life that I have felt stable and not had to focus on the basics (food, shelter, ect...)I think I get so caught up with my circumstances that I get blinded on how I’m actually doing spiritually and emotionally.

For a couple months I couldn’t figure out why I’d been so depressed and confused; I was stuck in a fog. Like waking abruptly from a bad dream, I was left asking “What the heck just happened?”You know the feeling? I was stuck wondering what the point of this last long hard season was where I was constantly accused of being a bad person because of my cleanliness or words taken out of context. People would tell me I’m being rebellious, or that I was downright crazy, that I’m making bad decisions, that I’m being lazy, or that I’m not living up to my potential. Then they would go beyond advice and try to solve the issue for me because I was obviously incapable of deciding for myself. People should sometimes just bud out… no offense. All you are doing is confusing me.

How do you tell the difference between what people want you to do and what GOD wants you to do when you can’t seem to get close enough to God to hear what he’s saying? I don’t know how many schemes and plans I went through to get to where I am today because there are too many to count. So what did I do? I went and tried to do things in my own power. I think after a while I learned to keep my ideas to myself so that I wouldn’t be shut down because it was too crazy or “didn’t line up biblically”(pfft… there’s this thing called “free will” people). When I came up here to Seattle, it was because a church recruited me to lead worship for them. I didn’t even pray about going up (from Lacey) because it was a means to escape the bad situation I was in. Only to find that it was even worse (South Seattle). I was lucky enough to have a friend up here hook me up with a job but that’s where the trouble climaxed. My work, home, and church life all collided (on the phone in the office after work… was in tears in front of my coworkers… how embarrassing). It sucked because I was just trying to survive, yet all these people were tearing at me for my attention, the church wanted more time than I could give, my roommate accused me of lying because I wasn’t back PRECISELY the time I said I would be (I think he wanted a companion more than a roommate… he consistently offered me the bed.) But I was conflicted because I needed my job (which was EXTREMELY stressful) so that I could make my life better.

So while I was faced all this stuff I KNEW God wanted me in Seattle. A year ago when I was living in the shelter I had made plans to move up to Seattle, but had no clue how it would happen. The shelters are stuffed up here and still a ton of people being turned away and they are not safe in the slightest, so that was not an option. After shutting down emotionally, I got to the point where I knew full well my helplessness. Neither I nor any person could solve the problem. It is only God’s grace that lead me here. As soon as I put it all in his hands things started turning around for me. Incredibly kind and generous people were put in my life to give me a hand in getting my life together. It is evident that indeed “things do work for the good of those who love him.”(romans) So with all that said I should get to the point of what I really want to say. Now that I’m done dealing with the basics, it is now time to focus on the heart.

I’m becoming more and more aware of how insufficient I am. I make mistakes like nobody’s business, act awkward around people, my music is not nearly what I would like it to be, I don’t go about things the same way other people would, and I’m definitely not the tidiest person. If there is one critically vital thing that City Central ever taught me is how to get to the root of an issue. The root of all of this is fear. After this last ridiculous season, I am learning how foolish I am and how wise God is. He has the ultimate plan and knows how it’s all going to happen. Whether it means me being homeless, getting hit by a motorcycle, or having to file bankruptcy, God WILL fulfill his promises. You might not like the means of it happening but that’s God’s way of making sure he gets all the glory.


Oh boy, does he like surprises though. I heard an analogy a few years ago in a sermon preached by “Gerry Fry” (an elder at City Central).  God’s promises are likened to that of a Christmas present. I remember one Christmas at my aunt’s house my cousin wanted a toy robot dog soooo badly, she would bug my aunt to the point my aunt just told her that she’s not getting it for her. Present after present was opened under the tree  finally one she gets, is not wrapped the prettiest, should wouldn’t even suspect it was the gift she wanted, but as she tears it open she bursts out historically in tears exclaiming “I can’t believe you got it for me!” God is the same way he may wrap it all nicely in colored paper and curly bows and laces or in a paper bag and duct tape waits for the look on your face when you open the gift. You open it up and he watches with joy as your face lights up and you are bursting with tears. I feel like should quote the princess bride, “I will never doubt again.” But the truth is God will continue to surprise me time and time again… because he loves me. ^_^

Dear Lucifer,

Dear Lucifer,

I'm writing to you because you and I both know that I'm terrible at  verbal communication. I guess I haven't made myself clear enough so this letter is to clarify why we've been feeling so distant lately. Let's be honest, I don't owe you anything but to be nice I thought I would bring you some closure. We need to make this as clean of a break as possible, so don't fuss; there's no use.

It's been a long time coming. Don't sit there and pretend like you didn't see it coming. We both knew this time would come. There was a time that we both rejoiced in each other's presence, but the love is gone... in fact, I'm sure that it was never there to begin with. Usually in this case I might say, "It's not you, it's me," but that would be a lie. It was all you and I need to do what's best for me.

When we first began in our relationship you gave me promises of things that I could ever want. You did give me what I wanted but soon you became all possessive, mentally and physically abusive, and told me I could never get anyone better. Every day since the day I met you, you have done nothing but lie to me so soon I actually believed what you said to be true. Remember that time you went out of town after allowing me to fall so deep in a depression that I never thought I would get out? Well, I guess I should tell you that I met someone else and we've been seeing each other ever since. You should know him, his name is "Jesus." Isn't that the name of your brother? Small world, right?

Jesus and I are getting very serious.... marriage serious. Yesterday, we were talking and he brought up how I've not been completely faithful to him. It's true though, I thought I could do some double dipping because I admit... you do have your sweet side, you give me some things that give me a moment's pleasure. Jesus, bless his heart, has been gracious to me time and time again... Did you know that he ACTUALLY died for me and then came back to life 3 days later? He did give me the ultimatum though; it's either you or him and I choose him.

As I said before is we need to make this as clean of a break as possible. This means I am setting up boundaries that you absolutely must respect because if you don't I will be forced to send Jesus over to conquer you again... you do remember last time, right?? How embarrassing... Anyways, here are the rules.
1. No more sending me gifts; I don't want or need them anymore.
2. No more sending me messages saying how much you miss me and begging me to come back.
3.No, we can not still be friends.

For what it's worth, I'm sorry that your first girl didn't work out... but then again... she was a married woman... so yeah... you are cordially invited to shove it.

Faithfully Jesus',
Roseann

Yet another RIDICULOUS story to God's Glory

Yesterday was probably the best day I've had in a year. I started off by attending an interview for a Full time Nanny position. (On the way I find a choral piece of music by Ben Roya Hall called "Adam Lay Ybounden"... very pretty piece thanking God for the fall.)This was amazing because it turns out that this is a Christian Family who holds the same beliefs that I do. Then the baby automatically took to me. All I had to do was smile at him and gently say, "Hi Jonah!" and in reply he smiles the most incredible smile I've seen in a while. I left the interview very confident that I was going to get the position and praying that my feeling was correct.

Next, I decided to do some busking on 1st and Pike. I hadn't been busking in a while but I was still expecting it to be the same as usual... play for an hour and get maybe 10 bucks if I'm lucky (it's the slow season). Oh boy, was I wrong. I was singing "how great is our God" when all the sudden someone chimes in harmonizing. Come to find out, this person was the head worship leader at "Christian Faith Center."

I play for a bit longer, someone pays me a couple bucks to record me performing, "Our God" by Chris Tomlin and I got to share with him a little bit of the Gospel.

Then someone, puts a present in my money can without me seeing...

Inside this present included $10

 this encouraging letter:

Also included was a prayer cloth scented with Frankincense

So, to say the least my mind was BLOWN to BITS!... TO BITS!

Later, my roommate and I jammed out to a Jesus Culture song, "See His Love" she played the piano and I played my guitar... (I'm telling you that we mesh together SO well that it must be God who orchestrated it!)

Then a couple hours after that(9pm... which was the exact time my last shift ended at Target a year ago yesterday), The family calls me back with an official job offer! YES!!!! I am no longer unemployed! My roommate and I  hugged, jumped around, and screamed with joy! I have been a bottle of excitement ever since.

And to finish the night off we went to an Episcopal church to hear the bible being chanted and a pipe organ being played... I forgot exactly what this event is called but it was amazing to sit in God's presence after such an amazing day. 

God is SO GOOD!

MANNA FELL FROM THE SKY!!!

Disapointment; the story of my life. This whole week I was pumped for my interview at the Pacific Science Center. I was going to conquer the interview and walk away their newest employee. Unfortunately, things never turn out how I plan. I didn't eve n make it TO the interview. Friday night I was so excited for the interview that I woke up every hour ending in not having a very productive sleep. So Saturday morning, my alarm goes off and I quickly turn it off thinking it's time to get out of bed without actually doing it. I ended up waking up again a couple minutes before I needed to catch the bus to get to the interview on time. This was a huge disappointment to me because I REALLY wanted this job! The whole day I was on the vurge of tears and actually did cry a few times because I was so disappointed. I went to Church that night, took the time to forgive myself before taking communion (so I don't drink judgement on myself), and a good friend gave me a ride home.

This good friend always leaves me with great food for thought, interesting ideas or solutions to problems I am dealing with. Often these answers or ideas are things that (*face palm*) I wonder why I never thought of in the first place. Upon the car ride home, I was reflecting on the final sermon in the series, "God's work, our witness," Which was basically testimonies of what God has been doing in Seattle. Then comes my ungreatfulness... I start complaining about how I am annoyed that God provides at the last possible minute for me. My friend interrupts my complaining and asks, "have you written down every way God has provided the things you needed?" In otherwords... "you've been given some incredible gifts... Why are you complaining about the method these are recieved?" I blame this on not wanting to be inconvienienced (major sin that I'm confessing here... one that I think a lot of Americans struggle with). I want miracles so long as it's convienient.

I think by far my favorite story in the bible is Exodus. God's people, Israel have been freed from the hand of Phaeroe, are given evident signs of God dwelling amoung them, a pillar of clouds by day and a pillar of fire by night. They are given exactly what they need to survive in the desert; MANA FALLING FROM THE SKY???? Yet the heart of man is exposed. They complained because they had been inconvienienced. They had to leave the familiure and pursue the unfamiliure (the promised land), Don't forget some of these slaves were serving some of the richest families even though a huge amount had been working their rear end off on achitechture, ect they still had what they needed to survive (America in the biblical times). When they left they were much richer than whence they came. Once they were in the desert EVERYTHING was uncertain except for one thing, Jehovah Jireh (the Lord will provide). God provided in some pretty ridiculous ways... I mean... SERIOUSLY? MANNA FALLING FROM THE SKY?!?!?!  It is bewildering to me how we are easy to forget MANNA FELL FROM THE SKY!!!

The Untold Story

I am soo good at hiding. Night before last I attended "creative Night" at my new church, "Mars Hill" in downtown Seattle. An art teacher spoke about the process being what true art is and not so much the finished product. She also spoke about how the process can be worshipful. That the things you worship, struggling with, ect will be reflected in the process of your art piece as well as the finished product.

 One thing that she talked about that struck me is how important the process is. You can begin a project then finish it quickly, but what is that story that lead you to where you ended up? I am terrible at communicating what I am going through because I am ashamed of the process. I think we all innately want to be perfect or even just appear to be so. The trend for me is that whenever a life changing even happens. I might tell a couple people what happened. Tell absolutely no one about the struggles involved (this is when I appear to drop off the face of the earth). Then when the trial is over, I will tell everyone,"well, it's all better now." leaving them dumbfounded that they had no idea what was going on. Can you imagine the testimony it would be to people about how our God works in mighty ways if people were aware of the "process" it took you to get to the final product?

I have seen God provide in Ridiculous ways! The place that I currently live can only be a God thing. It was literally down to HOURS before I needed to move and I hadn't found a place yet. Then Irene, my roommate, calls about an apartment in Magnolia... which happens to be one of the nicest neighborhoods in the Seattle area.  Not only that, but she also is a Christian and I think we mesh incredibly well. That in itself is a miracle but the story of how that miracle came to be is even better.

 I was given a week to move out. After posting an ad on Craigslist, I had been given 5 different options before Irene called. 1. Tacoma 2.Federal Way 3. Everette 4. Shoreline (lady got cold feet at the last minute) 5. Redmond. With these options I had absolutely no peace . The problem with all those places was this: I know God wants me in Seattle right now. I made a concious decision that I am going to stay in Seattle. I need to find a place to plant my feet solidly in the ground which means commiting to a good church, building relationships with Godly people, and finding a stable and good job, and stop moving from place to place. With all these things in mind, I prayed and fasted. There where a couple days in a row that I refused to eat anything at all (definitely drank water) because I was determined that God answer this prayer. To make matters worse, I only had access to a computer 30 minutes a day at the library so I literally had to wait for someone to contact me. The night before the move I made the decision to compromise and move to Everette because it seemed like the only legitamately viable option. Though I didn't have much peace about that decision, I made steps to make it happen. That night I still prayed in my heart that God would provide even at the last minute for me to stay in Seattle. In the morning, Irene called me within a few hours I met her and a couple hours more I moved into her apartment....

You see what I'm talking about? THAT is the story that people need to witness! It's like watching a good movie. If you just saw the beginning and the end, it wouldn't be a very good movie at all. You'd miss out on all the emotional ups and downs, and trials that made the character the person they became in the end. So with that said, I am going to try to make more of an effort to tell people my story as it unfolds so just maybe God will be revealed in a greater way.