gird up your loins

"And thus shall ye eat it; with your loins girded, your shoes on your feet, and your staff in your hand; and ye shall eat it in haste: it is the LORD's passover."

-Exodus 12:11

I have a very busy schedule. My typical week day looks like this: I wake up at 5:30am to rush out the door to catch the bus at exactly 6:09, get to work by 7:15, get off work at approximately 4pm and depending on the night, my head might not hit the pillow until 10:30 or 11 at night. I look forward to Saturday. Saturday means sleeping until my body can no longer stand it and running errands I couldn't get to during the week. Although, more often than not I don't even get the chance to do even this. A typical weekend is filled with serving my church (which I don't really complain about because I love it). 

To say that I was annoyed at waking up at 4:30 in the morning on a Saturday with thoughts buzzing through my head would be an understatement. I can always tell when a change is immanent, it's almost as though the very air reeks of it. I don't react well to change whether good or bad. My heart pounds a little faster, my jaw clenches, my hands ball up into fists, and I lose my appetite. Worst of all, Restless nights overtake me with often vivid and disturbing images depicting my fears and almost predicting the troublesome season to come.

My life has taken some great strides in the last few months. I am no longer homeless, have an amazing job taking care of an even more amazing baby, I am taking spiritual ground back, I am healing emotionally from past injustices, and finally for the first time in many years have felt the peace that comes with growing closer to God. Recently, I decided to do an internship at my church for production, starting in the fall, regardless of the time commitment, setting aside my fear of losing my job because of loss of time flexibility... but that won't be for another 4 months, so I can cross that bridge when the time comes.

So, what else is there to do at 4:30 in the morning but to take a long walk and watch the sun rise? I mulled over in my mind about things to come and confessing to God my fears when I hear him gently speak to me. "Do you trust me?" I groaned out loud, "What the hell does that mean, God?!" to which he replied,"Gird up your loins."

O boy... This conversation was both convicting and nerve wracking. I searched the bible for every instance that God says "gird up your loins." Each and every time it is to prepare for something; to prepare for battle, famine, plague, or before you take on a new title. Over the last few days I've torn up the inside my lip wondering what this next season is going to bring. As I read each passage I realize that God never once doesn't know what is going to come, he knows the outcome of the battle and it is victory. So really as I sit here preparing for battle what I should be preparing for is victory. Even if I end up broke and on the streets again, I should know by now that God's got this.

Ode to Mommy

I know this is a little late seeing as Mother's day was Sunday. A friend of mine posted a comment on Facebook about her mom being a bad parent, blaming her for how everything turned out; this bothered me. While I operated under this paradigm for a long time, as I get older, I realize that I'm responsible for my own actions and what I do with the situations that are placed in front of me. I honestly don't think there is such a thing as a bad parent (aside from those who abandon and abuse).

It is my experience that parents do the best with the circumstances they are given. Whether it's a teen mom, single mom, divorced mom, or a married mom they all have the desire to do what is best for their children. Mother's will risk their own lives for the sake of protecting their children. When her children are in need she will do all she can to make sure that need is met (in some cases this might mean giving them up for adoption).

I love my mom but life as a kid was hard. For a long time I did not respect my mom at all. I couldn't see how she would let a man continue beating her for years and not just leave the douche bag. I would watch helplessly as she went into mental breakdowns and angry outbursts. I thought she was weak; I was wrong.

What I perceived as weakness was really strength. While I didn't know or recognize it at the time, my mom held onto hope for the things that seemed hopeless. Where anyone else might have given up, she held on. This is the greatest lesson that I think my mom has ever taught me.

All my life, my mom would tell me to not be like her, and I went so far as telling myself that there was NO WAY that I was going to be like my mom. While I agree that there are some things not worth repeating and yes, you should strive for better... I argue now, why not be like my mom? I have come to realize how beautiful my mom's heart truly is.

While her circumstances say otherwise she hopes and trusts that things will work out for the better. Even when she is in a manically depressed state she finds a reason to keep pushing forward. She loves even those who may not even deserve it without holding back. While she has every reason to never trust again, she puts her heart on the line in hopes that it'll be worth it in the end.

I want to be like that.

Fear: The False Gospel

^"I am astonished that you are so quickly deserting the one who called you to live in the grace of Christ and are turning to a different gospel —which is really no gospel at all. Evidently some people are throwing you into confusion and are trying to pervert the gospel of Christ. But even if we or an angel from heaven should preach a gospel other than the one we preached to you, let them be under God’s curse! As we have already said, so now I say again: If anybody is preaching to you a gospel other than what you accepted, let them be under God’s curse! ." ~ Galatians 1:6-9 (NIV)

"Gnostic- Of, relating to, or possessing intellectual or spiritual knowledge." (http://www.thefreedictionary.com/Gnostic)

Before I get to my point, here's a little history lesson:

Gnosticism started as a philosophy by an early "Christian" philosopher by the name of Marcion of Sinope, who claimed to be a student of Justin Martyr. However, Iraneaus, who was one Justin's closest disciples, denies his credibility (in an apologetic letter, no less...), given the fact that the only times he was around Justin, he was argumentative and more often than not taking Justin's words out of context. (early christian thinkers- Paul Foster) Marcion created the heretical philosophy of Gnosticism, named such because he believed that he was enlightened to the ultimate truth of God. 

Gnostics continue to believe that the flesh is so evil that even Christ's death wasn't sufficient. While they believe that Jesus was the son of God (among other things), they basically believe that Jesus was a wise leader that died as an example and not of saving grace. They take the words of Jesus in Matthew 5:20 quite literally, "And if your right hand causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell." (I met a guy a couple years ago who actually gouged his eye out...)They believe that your soul is trapped in this evil body. In order to connect to God, you must punish the flesh in meditation to get in tune with your soul so that you might become enlightened of the spiritual realm and have certain powers (such as the miracles that Jesus was able to perform). They have a lot other interesting (heretical) theological beliefs, but to stay on topic we'll just focus on the flesh VS. spirit.

Gnostics are always on the front lines during a disaster claiming that God is punishing us for our evil flesh and its desires. During the Black Plague (14th century), they would parade through towns flogging themselves crying out to God to forgive the flesh and to release humanity of the grotesque epidemic. (history channel...http://www.history.com/topics/black-death yes, I'm a nerd) Nowadays, More often than not, they are the ones on the street corners holding signs saying "the end is near," picketing funerals (a good example is westbro "baptist"), and harassing disaster victims. 

I would not only like to submit that this theology is rooted in fear but that Fear itself is the false Gospel that even I have bought into. 


The Gospel of fear is not dissimilar to Gnosticism. How many times have I thought to myself, "I'm too wretched to be forgiven"? Then out of fear I begin to try to buy grace with works. I mutilate myself, maybe not in a way that is visible, but leaves scars nonetheless. The worst part is when I buy into this "gospel" I am refusing the gift of grace and saying it is not good enough.


My biggest struggle right now is with pornography and masturbation. It all started when I was accidentally exposed to it as a little girl.  I don't think my mom was even aware of how big of an issue this has been for me. I have always seen this as one of the ultimate sins a person can ever commit. Rather than face the issue and get the help I needed, I would commit the act then suffer in silent because I felt so dirty. For 2 years after I became a christian I was "free" from this struggle, I think this was because the first couple years of my Christianity was the climax of my faith or rather my hypocrisy. 


While I was not practicing porn or masturbation at the time, thoughts still remained. I would argue now, that I had yet to understand the grace God had granted me for who I once was.  At that time I went so far as to look down on other people struggling with something that I had "freedom" in. I even believed that I was better than them because I didn't need God to stop, I did it on my own and they were weak because they were still struggling. I could only hold this facade for so long before I realized that I wasn't loving people well. That I am a hypocrite. 


For the last few years, I have suffered alone ultimately believing that I deserved what ever I had coming to me; Even God's grace wasn't enough for me. I told 2 people about my struggle before a couple months ago, without any follow through to have victory. After each confession, I claimed to have victory over this issue; I still believed that I could go it alone. In time I started to justify this action. That,"God wants me to feel good," or "I might not be able to control what's going on around me, but I can definitely control this feeling." This was all definitely rooted in the fear that God was not going to fulfill his promises.


I am astonished that it takes so much for me to learn how much bigger God is than all my petty issues. That we are not meant to be alone. We are broken reflections of God whom lives in eternity in community (the trinity). Even Paul, whom I consider one of the wisest men of the bible, surrounded himself in community to be sure he was walking the straight and narrow. He talks about this in Galatians, that even Barnabas fell because he wasn't living in community. 


So what is my solution to this problem I am struggling with? Living in community. I came to the decision that I am tired of trying to do it alone. I started by confessing to my community group leader a couple months ago  about what I am struggling with, and now I am actually walking with a girl who has struggled with the same issue. I have found that with time this issue has become easier to talk about. While I am definitely not completely victorious yet, I am starting to understand this concept of leaning entirely on God. I am so thankful to have people in my life who are pointing me to the real gospel, which is Jesus's death and resurrection covers even me, the most wretched of the wretched.