Caught with my pants down

How to best put into words what has happened to me since November... This is the reason I haven't written a blog in so long. In a lot of ways I feel like I have been caught with my pants down. I never expected my life to take a turn like this.

May of last year, I heard God speak to me "Do you trust me??.. Gird up your loins." to which my response was "What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Not knowing the meaning of this, I shrugged it off thinking that I was being paranoid... I didn't want to face my fears... dude... fears are scary. For the longest time my biggest fear has been that God would give something incredibly good to me just to take it away. This is the experience I have of fathers.Though I know academically that God is good, I don't necessarily believe it in my heart. So naturally, my reaction to change whether good or bad is not initially good.

So here's the sequence of events that impacted my life in the last few months:

NOV 1st- Dec 21st
 I lost my Job taking care of Noah and started watching a 4 year old named Edie and a 5 month old named Trung. I was always overwhelmed because the 4 year old had behavioral issues and the 5 month old attachment anxiety. I would often would go home exhausted and crying because I hated my job.

Dec 22nd-30th
I took the grayhound to visit my mom in Caldwell, ID and had a blast... I didn't want to go home because I knew what I was coming back to.

Dec 31st- Jan 15th
Feeling slightly optimistic that I can make the situation with Edie work. Unfortunately, the woman who hired me to watch Edie decided to put her back in Pre-School without giving me any notice. But that was OK because I was gonna start watching Trung again on the 28th. Stuff at home was getting stressful because I wasn't able to make rent on time.

Jan 28th
I find out that Trung's family decided to put her in daycare because they got help from the state to do so. I definitely can't afford rent at this point and February is rapidly approaching.

February 4th
My birthday... I'm 24 this year. I still haven't payed rent, still looking for work. roommate informs me that if I don't pay her the past due rent for January and February, I had to move out that weekend. Some amazing people, after telling everyone about my need, helped me with the amount that I owed which was $900 all together, just so I can stay one more month.

February 20th
I've been hired to take care of 3 little boys!! I'm so excited! It's a live in position in Bellevue! Everything is coming together and I can finally start working on accomplishing my dreams! I will be moving in on the 28th! just in the nick of time! I say my goodbyes to my friends in Seattle and quit my side jobs babysitting for 2 families and weekly work at a childcare.

February 26th
I am babysitting an awesome 6 year old named Beckett, we are hanging out watching the land before time and eating ice cream. I receive a call.. My heart sinks as I am told that they have changed their mind and decided to hire someone else. I can't stop crying.

February 27th-28th
I am forced to get rid of all my things because I have no place to put them. Packing is an extreme chore as I decide which parts of my life I can keep and which ones I have to let go. I pray to God to release the burden and help me to have the ability to let go. A Haitian man calls and says he wants almost all my things to send to Haiti... Ummm... YES! I'm losing a lot... but someone else who needs it is gaining so much!

March 1st- April 17th
I am able to keep one of my babysitting jobs and return to the weekly childcare position. I am staying in the home of one of my pastors from church, Pastor Jeff and his lovely wife and kids. Kacie is my roommate. It's intense, but I am learning a lot about God's character, his love for me, and his desire for me to live in purity. I am going to move into my friend, Sammy's apartment April 18th.

April 17th
I receive a call from the family that was supposed to hire me in March. They've realized that it was a huge mistake not to hire me in the first place. I am so excited! I move in tomorrow!! I call everyone to tell them the good news

April 18th
I move in with the family in Bellevue. I meet the kids and I am really excited and optimistic of the future. Things seem like they're gonna be okay. I start planning on pursuing my dreams again.

April 19th- July 20th
Things with the family are not as good as I was led to believe. All agreements have been broken. I am no longer being paid and turned into an indentured servant. My relationship with the mother is strained because of disagreements about how children should be raised, she yells at me alot and mistreats me, the children, and her husband. The parents are on the brink of divorce and I somehow keep getting caught in the middle of their arguments, the children are acting out and I am being left alone with the baby even when I am technically supposed to be off duty. I lose all my desire to write or play music... I am hiding in my room depressed, I have no access to community. Finally, I hear of an Opportunity to train with StoryVille Coffee and possibly be hired as a full-time employee.

July 22nd
I get accepted into the training school for the first week of training.

July 23rd- 28th
My desire to play music has returned. It is my last week working for the family in Bellevue. I get a really bad cold but still audition to play in a band at my church... It didn't go so well, so the leader is allowing me to retry next week. I move into Sammy's.

July 29th-August 2nd
I am having the best week of my life. I am learning so much! This all seems too good to be true... It is literally the job of my dreams. I am meeting amazing people like Jon Phelps, who is an inspiration to my life and carpooling to training with a guy named Jared and a girl named Sonja. I like these two a lot... I want to be friends with them forever. Jared takes me to a few shows and get to spend a lot of time hearing his heart and I am amazed. Hope in my heart has returned that I can achieve my dreams. I get to go to a show with Jared for a dude named Daniel Blue... truly inspiring.

August 3rd... Today... errr... Yesterday (it's midnight)
I receive the news that I am not returning for a 2nd week at StoryVille. I am bummed... Somehow my desire to write music has returned. I am optimistic that things are going to be okay somehow. Somehow I am filled with hope. I am in awe of how fast this week has gone, at the things I have learned, the people I met, and the places God has taken me this year. What is gonna happen next?

Suggested reads, Just in case you don't get any of my references:
http://rosie-findingapurpose.blogspot.com/2012/05/gird-up-your-loins.html

Sometimes I write things for other people that I really should be writting to myself. Really... I just should listen to myself more often... I think the writing give me a chance to make that head and heart connection.
http://rosie-findingapurpose.blogspot.com/2010/01/faithfulness-study-of-davids-life.html

Also, this sermon from Paul Tripp called, "Powerful Faith" has been very encouraging to me as of late.
http://www.sermonaudio.com/playpopup.asp?SID=81109102119