Saturday, January 23, 2010

Anger is a Zit



    The other day I found myself standing in the shower letting the water just run over me. My thoughts wandered to an experience with my sister that was very hurtful. After a while I found my self going over the scenario over again, however instead of her getting the upper hand, this time I would have my revenge. I would make her feel just as bad or worse than I felt when she did me wrong. Catching myself I realized I was angry at her and I had never really forgiven her like I had told myself and other people. In fact all I did was bury the emotions and leave it at that. Little do I know, that little bit of anger that I decided was a seed and while I ignore it, it just grows larger and larger. 


    (sorry for yet another morbit metaphor)Most people know what a Zit is... and every one know how painful they can be. Basically what happens with a zit is dirt or grime clogs a pore in your skin, your body is built to push that type of stuff out of your skin. To do this it secretes liquids that build up around that piece of dirt. Eventually, the secretions push that tiny peace of dirt out of your skin. However with a Zit, the pore is completely blocked and your skin has trouble pushing out on it's own. It's time, you have to pop it. If you don't pop it, all the zit will do is grow bigger until it explodes. In the mean time it stretches your skin and other tissues causing real damage. If you want that area of your skin to heal you must pop it.


    Anger is the same way. Once you have that seed of anger in your heart it is very hard to get healing. You have to pop it before it gets any bigger or it explodes. Later when I was going through the "Anger" section in the Freedom Class Manual (published by Revalesio Ministries), I realized that Paul clearly says this is the case in Ecclesiastes 7:9 "Be not hasty in thy spirit to be angry; for anger resteth in the bosom of fools." To say the least because I don't want Anger to be rooted in my heart at all... it was time to forgive my sister.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Be Real

There have been many times that I have challenged other people to be real with other people. I guess I'm a hypocrit, because I haven't been following through on my own challenge. It's hard to even be real to myself sometimes or even to God. I deny that the things I am going through are hard and I tell God, "it's alright, I got it under control down here! No help needed!" When in fact that is completely opposite from the truth. I am just like any other person and it's okay to need help.



I went on a camping trip to Lake cushman August 2007 with some friends from City Central. It was all fun and games until someone got hurt... that someone being me. We were all playing in the lake on floating logs, catapolting each other off them, after gettting bored of our spot we moved to another, little did we know that the water was too shallow. I was the first to try... something went wrong and I ended up with a twisted ankle... It hurt so badly I thought it was broken; luckily it wasn't. after clumsily getting my clothes on we all decided to head back to camp. Painfully I tried to hobble back to Chris Roberts' truck, Chris and Vince offered to help me by letting me lean on them... I was stubborn "no, it's okay... I can do it..." that's when Chris said something I will never forget that may have changed my life, "You know, it's okay to ask for help!"  that's when I gave in. It had never occured to me till then that I'm not a bad person for needing help.

The same revelation is still relevant in my life now. For the last year I have allowed my self to drown in my sins without calling out for help. Meanwhile, I was growing farther and farther away from God. It wasn't until a couple weeks ago that I finally realized that my barriers that I have put up to protect myself are really more harming than protecting me. Basiclly I was cutting off my legs a little bit at a time, and denying the fact that I even needed them to walk... I know... grusome analogy... So finally after my legs are nothing but Nubs I've finally decided to change things. I finally know that I do need help, if I ever plan on having my legs grow back; which I am thankful to say that God is faithful in this. God is never in short supply of extra legs.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Hearing God's Voice

So, I promise that every blog that I write won't be a sermon of some sort... I do have a life... haha... Last night I got the opportunity to pray for people at City Central's Freedom Immersion; one of the best experiences ever. I was on a prayer team with Mike and Jackie Hall, who are amazing. They hear the lord so clearly and they make an awesome team, which is probably why they are married. It was nice not having to worry about whether or not that the person we prayed for would get what they needed out of the prayer time. I knew that Mike and Jackie would hear without hindrance... To say the least if I ever needed someone else to pray with me with super hearing abilities, it would be them that I would turn to.

Afterwards I talked to a gal from Phoenix,AZ named Krystal who was really sweet, and open to receiving whatever the lord had in store for her. She asked me to help her hear from the lord because she didn't know that it was even possible to do so; I was glad to help. It just so happens that when I first got saved hearing god is what perplexed me the most.

I thought it was complicated at first and felt like God wouldn't talk to me anyway because I saw God through this perspective of my experiences men in my life (not good). I remember after church I approached Ronda Barker and said "I'm worried. I've been trying really hard, but I can't hear God's voice." Ronda smiled at me gently and replied, "You can hear god's voice because 'the sheep know the voice of the Shepard', let's ask God what he thinks of you right now." after she asked God I got a clear picture of this beautiful ballroom dancer in this blue flowy gown, with a spotlight just on her. Ronda saw something similar but it was a rose slowly opening up and just told me "God wants you to know that you are beautiful." I was completely blown away by the fact that I could actually hear his voice and it really wasn't as complicated as I was making it. I was unaware that God talks to me all the time and all I had to do was listen.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Inexpressible and Glorious Joy

In my last couple blogs, the subject of faith has come up. I guess the reason for this is because in this particular season of my life I find myself in short supply. I thouched basis on the fact that without faith it is impossible to move mountains, next I I questioned the point of it all... Now I'm left thinking about the benefits of believing in the things unseen. 

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Everything Meaningless

An episode to go with my last post "Dead like me"
http://www.hulu.com/watch/78792/dead-like-me-vacation#x-0,vepisode,1,0

Everything Meaningless


So here comes my 4th time moving since May. I can’t help but feel a little apprehensive. One thing I am not good at is goodbyes. With goodbye always comes a mixture of loneliness, pain and tears. I tend to feel like I’m alone in all of this.  The thing that always gets me by, is even when everything fades away in my life, God is always there. It doesn’t make it any easier though, because even though I know for a fact God is always there, I feel like I’m doomed to live this life all by myself. I’m scared to be alone.
 The thing that scares me even more than being alone is the thoughts and the demons I face when this happens. I am open and exposed when I am alone, I guess this is why I always tend to turn to things like entertainment when I am alone. When I get to thinking too much I start thinking about my future and what the point of it all is. King Solomon said it best when he said “I have seen all the things that are done under the sun; All of them are meaningless, a chasing after the wind” (Eccl 1:14).  King Solomon one of the wisest men in the bible had everything “I denied myself nothing my eyes desired; I refused my heart no pleasure,” (Eccl 2:10) yet he still found that it was meaningless. If everything is meaningless, then what is the point of life? After so many years of being prosperous because of his love for the lord, Job had all of his livestock, servants, and his children taken from him. Job is found stating, "Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart…"(Job 1:21). I feel like there’s a lesson in this… I think Jesus gave a good answer for this
Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.
                              ~(Matt 6:19-21)
            I think in this passage Jesus is basically telling us it is meaningless to try and spend our days toiling over things that are only temporary. Storing up treasures in heaven in metaphorical for making the best of this life regardless of what it hands you, being selfless, and putting your trust in something that isn’t so temporary.  This subject reminds me of a scene in one of my favorite shows “Dead like me,” The main character George, is turned into a grim reaper after her tragic death (killed by a falling toilet seat from the space shuttle; hence getting the nickname “toilet seat girl”).  George is talking to Daisy, a transfer, in this scene when Daisy has this amazing epiphany at George’s day job at a temp agency, after talking about how life is temporary, and so is being a reaper, “oh my gosh, we’re all just temps.” So I guess instead of feeling defeated in my loneliness to look forward to the fact that this life is temporary and I do have a lot to look forward to in heaven. And since I am a temp, I need to make the most of the life that I have now, regardless of the suckiness of it all.


Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Faithfulness (a study of David's life)

God’s Faithfulness is one thing in the bible that is never disputed. David is found declaring this in psalm 57:10 (NIV): “your faithfulness reaches to the sky”, meaning that God’s faithfulness will never end. He declares this faithfulness over and over in each psalm that he writes. What evidence did David’s life have that made him feel so strongly about this fact? While looking at the root of “Faithfulness” you will find the word “Faith.” Faith translated In Greek is πιστι, pronounced “pi’stis” and in Hebrew אֵמוּן, pronounced “'emuwn” (Strong’s Concordance). In the dictionary, Faith is defined: “Belief that does not rest on logical proof or material evidence.” Jesus says that “faith as small as a mustard seed will move mountains” (Mt 17:20 NIV). But how can you move mountains when that little mustard seed is a little defective; in other words what happens when your faith is shaky and weak? Is it still possible to move that mountain in the distance? A better question is: how do you grow your mustard seed strong enough to move that mountain?

On the day that Samuel the prophet was sent to Israel to anoint a new king, it was great news for David, a shepherd boy and the youngest of his brothers. To anoint someone is to make a covenant (בְּרִית [bĕriyth]) with that person or in other words make a binding promise (Strong’s concordance). As history states it is always the oldest to inherit a father’s lands or be next in line to rule a kingdom. Yet, David is granted an incredible honor, anointed king and given the gift of God’s presence and power; “… from that day on the spirit of the lord came upon David in power.” (1Sam 16:13 NIV) Little did David know that he would have to endure extreme hardships.

David was a loyal servant in King Saul’s court and Army for many years and he befriended Saul’s son, Jonathan in such a way that they considered each other brothers; “Jonathan became one in spirit with David and loved him as himself” (1sam 18:1). Despite his fervent loyalty, from the first attempt to end David’s life until Saul’s death, David was on the run. Because of the sin in Saul’s life (jealousy, Murder, and witchcraft [consulting a witch to bring Samuel from the dead (1sam 28)]) God chose to harden Saul’s heart, and put an evil spirit on him. Even after King Saul’s death, David struggled to obtain his inheritance; the very thing that God promised over his life was at steak. Somehow through all of this David’s faith never wavered.

James, the Older of Jesus’ younger brothers, is firm in saying “…for he that wavereth is like a wave of the sea driven by the wind and tossed” (James 1: 6 KJV). This confirms that without faith it is not possible to move mountains, Mountains being figurative language for circumstances that you face. There is no real formula for fully having faith in God. I think that the reason why David had such a strong faith was because God is faithful. While David was on the run from Saul, God provided him with shelter, food, and God paved a way for David to receive his inheritance. In Order for him to receive this inheritance it required a few things.

The first thing that needed to happen is he needed to see that God would provide in even the most difficult situations. In many psalms David is seen hopeless and desperate to see God come through and in exactly 2 psalms back to back, David is seen to even lament the day of the his birth. David needed to see that God is really the one who needs to rule over Israel. The second thing that needed to happen was the death of both Saul and Jonathan, without this it would be impossible for David to take up the throne. As I said before to take up the throne he would have needed to be a relative to Saul, which David wasn’t. Despite this, God remained faithful to his covenant with David and after learning what he needed to he finally gained his inheritance.

In each psalm David is found declaring the faithfulness of God. Could this have been because he needed to reassure himself that God is in control? I find this true in my own life I always have to reassure my self on a daily basis that there is a reason for everything I go through and that all will turn out for my good because I love God. Paul says in Romans 8:28 “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him...” The brain is a spectacular creation. Psychologists agree that the more someone repeats words the easier they are going to remember. Perhaps the more that I repeat to myself that God is faithful; I’ll start to have a strong belief that this is true.

I noticed that in David’s life, he always said “yes” to God even though he knew that this would be costly. Because of David’s yes’s he was given the chance to grow his faith even more. Jesus says “who ever finds his life will lose it, but who ever loses his life for my sake will find it,” This says a lot about sacrificing your desires getting a reward for it. Maybe that reward is gaining your inheritance?

Rememberance

It's so strange... Since I have become a christian five years ago, I have had many prayers answered and many victories.Yet, when the hard seasons are over I tend to forget what I have been through; hence forgetting how great my God has been to me. I have come to realize that I need to remember all that I am thankful for and all of the prayers that were answered in strange ways. When I do this I can truly live with a humble heart. When I really read this list I have no reason to think that my God is not on My side and that he doesn't have a plan for my life... Because It is clear that he does, my story is just unfolding. Starting in 2007
  • Bringing 24 people to my tiny house for my 18th birthday party after my 17th birthday party broke my heart
  • Getting a florist Job last minute so that I was able to pay for my first month of rent in the Pillar House
  • Providing the Pillar House for me to move out of home for the first time.
  • Providing another Job a month later so that I was able to stay in the Pillar until the end of July
  • Providing a last minute (4 days before I had to move out of the Pillar) place to live with Kelly Fitzgerald
  • Providing an in home Nanny position for a month so that I could move out of Kelly's
  • Providing a place to live rent free while I looked for work at Ashley Wright's house
  • Providing me with resources to Get a copy of my social security card, a birth certificate, and an ID
  • Providing a Housekeeping job
  • Keeping me alive when I got hit by a motorcycle
  • Providing me with a GED for free
  • Providing me with all the necessary paperwork and reference letters, Getting me into Northwest University (NU) within 2 weeks of the first day of classes
  • Getting Financial Aid taken Care of, getting Registered for classes, Getting moved into the dorms all done on the first day of classes
  • providing the money to take the ACT (got a 21 :))
  • Providing me The money (via my aunt and Uncle) to return to NU for my Spring Semester
  • Providing a place to live when school got out (mom's)
  • Providing a place to go when I needed to move out of mom's (the Schwanger's) for a month while I looked for a job and another place to live
  • Providing a job in the Tacoma Mall a week before I needed to move out of the Schwanger's
  • Providing a place to stay(Erin O'hagan's) when I needed to move out of the Schwanger's the day of
  • Providing me with a means to finally start walking into my calling; getting to lead worship at "the ROC" :)