God's Glory

I’m not sure how up to speed on what is going on in my life lately, but I have somewhat of an idea of what to write this time. About 3 months ago I got a job as nanny and am currently living in Ballard, WA. It has been an interesting transition for me. This is the first time in my life that I have felt stable and not had to focus on the basics (food, shelter, ect...)I think I get so caught up with my circumstances that I get blinded on how I’m actually doing spiritually and emotionally.

For a couple months I couldn’t figure out why I’d been so depressed and confused; I was stuck in a fog. Like waking abruptly from a bad dream, I was left asking “What the heck just happened?”You know the feeling? I was stuck wondering what the point of this last long hard season was where I was constantly accused of being a bad person because of my cleanliness or words taken out of context. People would tell me I’m being rebellious, or that I was downright crazy, that I’m making bad decisions, that I’m being lazy, or that I’m not living up to my potential. Then they would go beyond advice and try to solve the issue for me because I was obviously incapable of deciding for myself. People should sometimes just bud out… no offense. All you are doing is confusing me.

How do you tell the difference between what people want you to do and what GOD wants you to do when you can’t seem to get close enough to God to hear what he’s saying? I don’t know how many schemes and plans I went through to get to where I am today because there are too many to count. So what did I do? I went and tried to do things in my own power. I think after a while I learned to keep my ideas to myself so that I wouldn’t be shut down because it was too crazy or “didn’t line up biblically”(pfft… there’s this thing called “free will” people). When I came up here to Seattle, it was because a church recruited me to lead worship for them. I didn’t even pray about going up (from Lacey) because it was a means to escape the bad situation I was in. Only to find that it was even worse (South Seattle). I was lucky enough to have a friend up here hook me up with a job but that’s where the trouble climaxed. My work, home, and church life all collided (on the phone in the office after work… was in tears in front of my coworkers… how embarrassing). It sucked because I was just trying to survive, yet all these people were tearing at me for my attention, the church wanted more time than I could give, my roommate accused me of lying because I wasn’t back PRECISELY the time I said I would be (I think he wanted a companion more than a roommate… he consistently offered me the bed.) But I was conflicted because I needed my job (which was EXTREMELY stressful) so that I could make my life better.

So while I was faced all this stuff I KNEW God wanted me in Seattle. A year ago when I was living in the shelter I had made plans to move up to Seattle, but had no clue how it would happen. The shelters are stuffed up here and still a ton of people being turned away and they are not safe in the slightest, so that was not an option. After shutting down emotionally, I got to the point where I knew full well my helplessness. Neither I nor any person could solve the problem. It is only God’s grace that lead me here. As soon as I put it all in his hands things started turning around for me. Incredibly kind and generous people were put in my life to give me a hand in getting my life together. It is evident that indeed “things do work for the good of those who love him.”(romans) So with all that said I should get to the point of what I really want to say. Now that I’m done dealing with the basics, it is now time to focus on the heart.

I’m becoming more and more aware of how insufficient I am. I make mistakes like nobody’s business, act awkward around people, my music is not nearly what I would like it to be, I don’t go about things the same way other people would, and I’m definitely not the tidiest person. If there is one critically vital thing that City Central ever taught me is how to get to the root of an issue. The root of all of this is fear. After this last ridiculous season, I am learning how foolish I am and how wise God is. He has the ultimate plan and knows how it’s all going to happen. Whether it means me being homeless, getting hit by a motorcycle, or having to file bankruptcy, God WILL fulfill his promises. You might not like the means of it happening but that’s God’s way of making sure he gets all the glory.


Oh boy, does he like surprises though. I heard an analogy a few years ago in a sermon preached by “Gerry Fry” (an elder at City Central).  God’s promises are likened to that of a Christmas present. I remember one Christmas at my aunt’s house my cousin wanted a toy robot dog soooo badly, she would bug my aunt to the point my aunt just told her that she’s not getting it for her. Present after present was opened under the tree  finally one she gets, is not wrapped the prettiest, should wouldn’t even suspect it was the gift she wanted, but as she tears it open she bursts out historically in tears exclaiming “I can’t believe you got it for me!” God is the same way he may wrap it all nicely in colored paper and curly bows and laces or in a paper bag and duct tape waits for the look on your face when you open the gift. You open it up and he watches with joy as your face lights up and you are bursting with tears. I feel like should quote the princess bride, “I will never doubt again.” But the truth is God will continue to surprise me time and time again… because he loves me. ^_^