"No man is an Island"

There's no denying that I've had a hard life. One thing that I've always struggled with is the feeling of abandonment and the reason for that abandonment was not being loved properly. This was never really done on purpose, the truth is: hurting people hurt people. I just haven't understood this until recently. I was 14  when I happened upon an idea to ask god to bring me love. 

I sneaked out of the house late one summer night and walked to the nearest elementary school. It was a beautiful night, the moon was full and the stars shone brightly, revealing the clouds that rose high and painted the sky. Regardless of how beautiful of a night it was, my heart was burdened. I walked straight passed the playground, (I had no time for games, it was time to grow up) and onto the empty and dark baseball field. As I lay in the grass, I mulled over everything that had happened in my life so far. So far, I had been "abandoned" by my real father at age two (which I still vaguely remember), been through two of my mom's most abusive relationships, and the only man that I dared to call my father (step father) tried to kill me for sticking up for my mom, my mom was beginning to become emotionally unavailable because of her hurts that she was struggling with, and I was forced to grow up faster with each passing day. I had a bone to pick with God... Why was it that when I looked at other families they seemed happy for the most part, their parents were still together, then most of my friends had a "boyfriend" or a "girlfriend"... Not me... I was an Island, a very lonely Island.

I remembered things my mom had taught me about how god is always with us and that he hears everything that we say, and sees everything we do. Like never before, I talked to God as though he was listening (which he was), Sobbing I explained everything I was feeling. I was angry, lonely, and scared. If only I knew what I know today. The end of the prayer, which I remember clearly, was: 

"God, if you are out there, send me someone who loves me the same way that I love them. I promise will never ask you anything else if you give me this one thing!" 

 

I've since learned that prayers like this are pretty silly. First of all, there is no way that anyone could guarantee that they will never ask anything of God, and really you shouldn't make promises you can't keep (says that somewhere in the bible... I forget where). Secondly, The funny thing about being a teenager, is you think you know exactly what you need... boy, did I miss the mark.  When I prayed that prayer I thought I was praying for a boyfriend... But really I was praying for the feeling of being loved which is best defined in 1Corinthians 13:4-8

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

  Love never fails..."

The verse that strikes me the most is verse 7 (It always protects...). As a young teen, I wanted to feel safe and protected... I thought that a man could bring me that. Little did I know, I already had someone in my life who was protecting me and loving me through everything that I was going through, filling my heart with dreams, and a hope for the future. 

Now I'm 22 and it's the same story a different day. I just want to be loved the way I'm meant to be loved.  The problem is I've once again missed the mark (big surprise...). I've been seeking love in all the wrong places. For the last couple weeks, since moving into the salvation army, I've been seeing things a little differently. In the past couple years as I descended further and further in my backsliding, I've been seeing myself as too far to reach for God. You'd think that because of all the freedom that I've had over the years I would see right through that lie, but I allowed myself to be deceived first because of the lack of accountability in my life secondly because I don't think I've ever really understood the true nature of love.

One thing that I've always been good at is loving other people, but when it comes to people loving me, it hard for me to grasp that it would be possible. How could it be that God is my bridegroom and has lavished love on me that never fails? Many people only see God's capability for WRATH.. but what about his capability to LOVE? For a long time I've thought that God has dealt with me with a firm hand, how was I to know that he guides me with a gentle touch? Even now, while I'm homeless, many would think that it's a punishment for the things I've done and for being so darn stubborn. I was talking to a friend a couple weeks ago at church and she had mentioned that maybe I was going through this because it's the only way that I can learn what God wants me to learn. I would say she was right. How else could I learn to lean entirely on God instead of other people? How else could I learn to trust God with just the small things that I need including toilet paper? How else could I learn that I need to stick better to my convictions and live a spirit filled life? How else could I learn that no matter how far away from god I fall, he can always find me?

So saying all that, I can't help but smile and laugh at my situation. God is loving me in ways that I never imagined I could be loved.

Shut'Cho Mouth

Got inspired :D

I Once Was Blind but Now I See

“Amazing Grace, How sweet the sound

That saved a Wretch like me

I once was lost but now I'm Found

Was Blind but now I see”

 ^{These beautiful famous words of the hymn “Amazing Grace” have given hope to millions of people since 1773. Tonight, however, I fail to see the hope in these words no matter how hard I try. Since I have become a Christian I have striven to learn more of what the bible says and how to live out who God has called me to be. As a result I feel as though I've been living a lie. The more I dig into the bible the more confused I've become over the years. I have people on every side of me telling me what to believe and how I should live my life. I am struggling to learn how I fit into God’s plan, what the meaning of it all is, and what direction I should be taking on this very long and narrow road. Although I have claimed to be found and able to see, I am definitely lost and blind; I am scared.}

^{I wish I could say that these last couple years I haven’t lain around catatonic, unable to feel emotions and unable make a move regardless of any “revelation” I have. This year I have had 3 instances of being “Slain in the Spirit,” yet what impact have they really had on my life? Since I’ve become a Christian the words of John 9:47 have haunted me.}

Jesus said, “If you were blind, you would not be guilty of sin; but now that you claim you can see, your guilt remains.”

^{Have I had a true revelation of the significance of what Christ has done for me? If I haven’t, which I am having doubts about; I am in trouble. In my current spiritual, and emotional state that I am in, I have refused to give up the sin in my life. Lust, My sin of choice, is the most resilient sin to eradicate from my life. No matter how many times I tell myself that it's time to walk away from it, I keep running back to it as a means to cope with the loneliness that has consumed me. The ever persistant temptaion to commit suicide looms over me like a vulture stalking its prey. This is the one temptation that I refuse to stop fighting. I just know that there has to be more than this. There has to be hope in this season. No matter how hard the winds blow in this storm, there has to be a reason for it all. This is the only thought pattern that is keeping me alive at this point. Please help me in prayer this season that God will send my olive branch before I drown.}