I Once Was Blind but Now I See

“Amazing Grace, How sweet the sound

That saved a Wretch like me

I once was lost but now I'm Found

Was Blind but now I see”

 ^{These beautiful famous words of the hymn “Amazing Grace” have given hope to millions of people since 1773. Tonight, however, I fail to see the hope in these words no matter how hard I try. Since I have become a Christian I have striven to learn more of what the bible says and how to live out who God has called me to be. As a result I feel as though I've been living a lie. The more I dig into the bible the more confused I've become over the years. I have people on every side of me telling me what to believe and how I should live my life. I am struggling to learn how I fit into God’s plan, what the meaning of it all is, and what direction I should be taking on this very long and narrow road. Although I have claimed to be found and able to see, I am definitely lost and blind; I am scared.}

^{I wish I could say that these last couple years I haven’t lain around catatonic, unable to feel emotions and unable make a move regardless of any “revelation” I have. This year I have had 3 instances of being “Slain in the Spirit,” yet what impact have they really had on my life? Since I’ve become a Christian the words of John 9:47 have haunted me.}

Jesus said, “If you were blind, you would not be guilty of sin; but now that you claim you can see, your guilt remains.”

^{Have I had a true revelation of the significance of what Christ has done for me? If I haven’t, which I am having doubts about; I am in trouble. In my current spiritual, and emotional state that I am in, I have refused to give up the sin in my life. Lust, My sin of choice, is the most resilient sin to eradicate from my life. No matter how many times I tell myself that it's time to walk away from it, I keep running back to it as a means to cope with the loneliness that has consumed me. The ever persistant temptaion to commit suicide looms over me like a vulture stalking its prey. This is the one temptation that I refuse to stop fighting. I just know that there has to be more than this. There has to be hope in this season. No matter how hard the winds blow in this storm, there has to be a reason for it all. This is the only thought pattern that is keeping me alive at this point. Please help me in prayer this season that God will send my olive branch before I drown.}