Dear Lucifer,

Dear Lucifer,

I'm writing to you because you and I both know that I'm terrible at  verbal communication. I guess I haven't made myself clear enough so this letter is to clarify why we've been feeling so distant lately. Let's be honest, I don't owe you anything but to be nice I thought I would bring you some closure. We need to make this as clean of a break as possible, so don't fuss; there's no use.

It's been a long time coming. Don't sit there and pretend like you didn't see it coming. We both knew this time would come. There was a time that we both rejoiced in each other's presence, but the love is gone... in fact, I'm sure that it was never there to begin with. Usually in this case I might say, "It's not you, it's me," but that would be a lie. It was all you and I need to do what's best for me.

When we first began in our relationship you gave me promises of things that I could ever want. You did give me what I wanted but soon you became all possessive, mentally and physically abusive, and told me I could never get anyone better. Every day since the day I met you, you have done nothing but lie to me so soon I actually believed what you said to be true. Remember that time you went out of town after allowing me to fall so deep in a depression that I never thought I would get out? Well, I guess I should tell you that I met someone else and we've been seeing each other ever since. You should know him, his name is "Jesus." Isn't that the name of your brother? Small world, right?

Jesus and I are getting very serious.... marriage serious. Yesterday, we were talking and he brought up how I've not been completely faithful to him. It's true though, I thought I could do some double dipping because I admit... you do have your sweet side, you give me some things that give me a moment's pleasure. Jesus, bless his heart, has been gracious to me time and time again... Did you know that he ACTUALLY died for me and then came back to life 3 days later? He did give me the ultimatum though; it's either you or him and I choose him.

As I said before is we need to make this as clean of a break as possible. This means I am setting up boundaries that you absolutely must respect because if you don't I will be forced to send Jesus over to conquer you again... you do remember last time, right?? How embarrassing... Anyways, here are the rules.
1. No more sending me gifts; I don't want or need them anymore.
2. No more sending me messages saying how much you miss me and begging me to come back.
3.No, we can not still be friends.

For what it's worth, I'm sorry that your first girl didn't work out... but then again... she was a married woman... so yeah... you are cordially invited to shove it.

Faithfully Jesus',
Roseann