It has been about a month and a half since I initially started my last blog entry. A lot has happened in that time. When I started my last entry, I was staying at a friend of a friend’s house for two weeks while I found out whether or not I was going to get an internship at Miracle Ranch. Unfortunately, I did not get the internship despite my fervent prayer. This left me entirely out of options. My back up plan to move down to Tennessee with my father failed because he himself became homeless, and I hadn’t even begun my work search because I was so sure that I was going to get the internship. I couldn’t stay with my mom because her lease prohibits anyone over the age of 18 who isn’t paying rent to stay with her for more than two weeks. I ended up calling the shelter which is the nicest shelter in the state because it is brand new and is also a drug rehab/relapse prevention program (Tacoma Rescue Mission). Two weeks later (I was looking for work BIG TIME) I let my pride get the better of me and got in an argument with a staff member because I felt that they were disrespecting me. My mom let me stay with her for a couple days because it was an emergency and I had nowhere else to go. I don’t think I’ve ever been that stressed in my life. If you ever wondered why I don’t make plans, it’s because every time I make them, they blow up in my face.
I’ve never had plans go so badly in my life. And to top it all off, as I barely stepped into my mom's door, the stupid cat bolted out the door (which made my mom VERY angry) I’m pretty sure I had a mental breakdown that I’m not willing to admit to myself. I couldn’t think of anything other than what a hopeless failure I am. I just feel like I can’t do ANYTHING right. Honestly, I can’t help but think: “WHY?” Why should I keep going? What is the point? How much longer can I take this? When I pictured myself five years ago, this is nothing like I imagined it. I imagined that I would have ACTUALLY achieved something good in my life. Instead I’m stuck in this never ending cycle.
That night at my mom’s house, after having my mental break down (that I don’t think my mom was aware of because I went outside and found a dark corner), I walked to the store and bought some chocolate (thank God for food stamps) and I’m pretty sure that I heard God speak to me once again “Rosie, do you trust me?” At that moment, I realized that I had no choice BUT to trust him. Making that realization, I reassured myself saying, “It’ll be okay. I don’t know how, but it’ll be okay.”
The next couple days, I basically yelled for help, yet no one was answering my call. I had a couple people call and say they were praying for me. I found it really sad that the only people that really wanted to help couldn’t and the people that I thought for sure could’ve in some way, wouldn’t even glance over my way. It really sucks when the people who you consider your friends and trust in turn out to be giant douche bags.
Right now, out of the generosity of a complete stranger whom I was introduced by a friend overseas, I am staying at her house while her husband is deployed in Afghanistan (even though it’s extremely stressful for her and her kids(just having an extra person in the home that they don’t know very well)). I am now down in Lacey and am grateful for the opportunity that I’ve been given that no one else would give me. There are so many good things about where I am. I have found a new church (Paramount) to attend that is very supportive, might be joining the worship team at this church, the bus fare is cheaper (can’t beat $2 a day!), and I’ve had so many job leads it’s ridiculous. Regardless of how hard I’ve been looking for work, I’ve only had two interviews so far. This week I have one lined up at Victoria’s Secret other than that I plan on going to all the places that I applied online so they can put name to face. I have to find SOMETHING this week or I’m out on the streets.
The plan, by the way, is to find ATLEAST a temporary job so I can work on getting certified to work in a preschool or a daycare…. But as I have learned VERY well, “it takes money to make money.”
Please, if anytime would be good to pray for me, now is the time. I need a miracle.
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