What if?

I would be lying if I did not say that I am scared right now. For the last couple months I have been absolutely sure that God wants me to go to IHOP in the fall and that God has asked me to do Catalyst this summer. But lately I've begun to second guess myself. As I'm sure you are very aware by now, my mom isn't so keen on these plans; she believes it's a waste of time and money. Even though we don't fight as much about it any more, she still takes every chance to manipulate me into believing that I am doing the wrong thing. I love my mom but I wish I could find a way for her to understand that I really am doing what I know that God is asking me to do. I don't think I've ever come against such controversy with mom about something. Unfortunately, my mom isn't the only mountain I have to climb this season.

I have never been a person to believe in fate or a destiny of some kind. I think this has mostly been because I didn't like the idea of not being able to control the person who I want to be or do the things I want to do. It scares me to think that every move I make was predestined to happen. Last week, I was talking to Adam Narciso about preparations for Catalyst and I guess I received news I wasn't exactly expecting. Adam told be that there were a few questions about my application and that someone was going to call me to ask me about it and then they would pray about me being in the program. Later, I was telling someone about doing Catalyst this summer and she had told me of a prophecy over catalyst or more so the young people who would be a part of Catalyst. I was told that These 50 young people are chosen ones that would be the starters of this "Pacific Rim Movement" or in other words a Revival for this generation.

This prophecy is what scares me the most. Yes, without a doubt I want to see young and old people all over the world to come to know Jesus and the freedom that comes with knowing him; But this is gonna happen through me??  I completely believe God is going to bring that revival and soon, but how is it that I'm going to be involved in this. I feel like I have nothing to offer. My guitar and singing is mediocre at best (even though I desire to be a worship leader one day), I don't speak well in front of people... I struggle to even have a normal conversation with people... It's always awkward because I have nothing good to say, because of this people don't listen to me or even want to hear what I have to say, I didn't really grow up in the church, I have no real connections with the "Prominent" people of the church, and the list goes on.

Some people that I really admire are (even if it is from afar...) I tend to check up on these people's facebook and blogs (if they have one) just to see what they are doing for God today... Adam and Jenny Narciso, Tyler Connell, Shane Faye,  Aaron and Ronda Barker, and Jason and Gretchen Bradley... For a few specific reasons. They are living in their callings, They are confident in God, They always seem so joyful, They live God filled lives, They speak VERY well, Worship and Pray with all of their hearts and above all live a passion filled life. When I look at these people's lives I know I can never measure up. I just can't. Now I'm not putting these people on a pedastool because I know that by all means they are not perfect.

I guess in short I am afraid that even if I am part of this "Chosen Generation" that I am not worthy, and will fail all the expectations that everyone has. I'm afraid that I would become nothing but another walking talking hypcrocity; making a fool of everyone, and not just myself. Above all I am afraid of failing God. I want to live my life fully and completely in God. I know with plenty of experience of how things can turn out without God's presence and it sucks.