THIS SUCKS!

Ever have one of those weeks? Well, I've been having 2.5 of them... I think I have the worst luck ever. I don't have a job at Target anymore because they decided not to keep me for some stupid reason, All my closest friends are out of the area for one reason or another, and I have to move out of my house by the 31st because of not being able to pay rent February. My life is nothing but a procession of crisis after crisis. I don't think I've felt this lonely, helpless, and hopeless since before I became a Christian at 16 years old. Now, I'm probably going to sound like I'm griping a bit, however I need to get my feelings into words. Something about letting it all out makes you feel better.



For the last couple weeks I've been either on the verge of crying, crying, or trying my best not to cry by entertaining myself with games, Facebook, and movies (I guess a REALLY bad case of depression). Yes, I know that I'm supposed to be turning to God, yada, yada, yada... not to say that I haven't, but it's been one of those seasons where I want to hear God speak, I want him to work in my life but nothing is happening and I can't hear him speaking. THIS SUCKS! I feel like I've been in a position like this before but never quite this bad.




You know you've hit rock bottom when you're unemployed, about to become homeless and you have no one to turn to. I don't even know how I got myself in this position or even why. If you know me, you know that I am a hard worker, am really friendly, I love people, am outgoing, adventurous, full of dreams and intelligent. I just don't understand why I am not more stable than I am right now. How do I all the sudden have no close friends in the area? How is it that I can't hold down a steady job? How is it that every place I move into just ends in disappointment? How is it that EVERY time something good happens in my life something INCREDIBLY bad soon follows? How is it that I can't even turn to my own family when I need help without them putting up a big fuss? Not that any of this is extremely new, but COME ON!!!  And don't give me the religious Answer... I don't care nor want it... I'm sick of hearing the Romans 8:28 verse, "God works for the good of those who love him and are called according to his purpose," this is just another annoying thing to say when you have nothing to say (aka: UCA), just like the one I was talking about in my previous blog, "God has the PERFECT job/house for you!" Not gonna lie and say I don't need help when I do, but Maybe I mostly just want to be heard?? 




When someone is going through a crisis you don't throw them away like garbage!! and that's exactly how I feel right now. I feel so angry lately.  I want to hit something and tear things up! Of all the sacrifices I've made out of love, why can't I receive that in return? I'm tired of pursuing friendships with people who don't want to be my friend anyway. I'm tired of having shallow conversations. I'm tired of being left out of things. I'm tired of trying to fit into the mold of the Christian clique. I'm tired of wondering what's wrong with me because my so called friends sneer down at me like I'm worthless,I don't have anything to offer or I don't run in their friendship circle.


 And the thing is, I KNOW I have a lot to offer. I am well educated (even if I haven't finished college yet), If you're lucky enough to become a friend  I am ALWAYS there to lend a hand when I can, I am probably more gracious and patient with people than I should be, I can carry an actual conversation without it turning to "marriage"... Who needs to worry about that crap at a young age... I DON'T CARE that you need a husband RIGHT now... I want to actually have a stimulating conversation about God, Theology, politics, Health, History, Science, Music, good reads,  and maybe even good movies. Yes, I get irritated at people that only talk about the opposite sex because it means that you've run out of intelligent ideas to express. Okay... lets just settle down, get comfortable, have a few kids and "follow God" without using our brains.... THAT sounds like a TERRIFIC idea! That's exactly how we're supposed to live our lives according to Jesus, right?